MorningRoutine

#include "morningRoutine.hpp"
#include "you.hpp"
#include "alarm.hpp"
#include "shower.hpp"
#include "coffee.hpp"

Alarm.buzz();
You.wake(STILL_SLEEPY);

while( !You.late() )
{
   Alarm.snooze(  );
   You.sleep( JUST_FIVE_MORE_MINUTES );
}

You.curse( FUCK_IM_LATE );

You.run( TO_SHOWER ); 

// as long as we're not REALLY late, might as well wait for the water to heat up
while( Water.hot() == NOT_YET && !You.veryLate())  
{
  You.wait( IMPATIENTLY );
}

if( You.veryLate() && Water.hot() == NOT_YET ) // we are now very late and can't 
{                                              // wait anymore
   You.curse( FUCKIT );
   You.jumpInShower();
   You.curse( GODDAMNIT_ITS_COLD );
   You.shrinkage( true ); // happens to the best of us
   You.latherRinse();     // forget the repeat, you're late!
}
else
{
   You.jumpInShower();
   You.latherRinseRepeat();
}

You.dryOff( QUICKLY );

You.putOn( BOXERS, QUICKLY );

bool skipShave = ( (You.stubble() <= BABY_FACE)                        ||
                   (You.late() && You.stubble() <= FIVE_OCLOCK_SHADOW) ||
                   (You.veryLate() && You.stubble() <= WOLFMAN ) );
                                       
if( !skipShave )
{
   while( You.stubble() >= BABY_FACE || You.bleeding() <= FIVE_PLACES )
   {
      if( You.shave() == NICKS_AND_CUTS )
      {
         You.curse( MOTHER_FUCKER );
         You.bleeding( You.bleeding + 1 );            
      }
   }
   You.applyAftershave();
   You.curse( MOTHER_FUCKING_BASTARD_ASSHOLE_THIS_FUCKING_HURTS );
   if( You.bleeding() >= FIVE_PLACES )
   {
      You.curseSomeMore( SON_OF_A_BITCH );
   } 
} 

You.putOn( SHIRT, QUICKLY );
You.putOn( PANTS, QUICKLY );
You.zip( WATCH_YOUR_WANG );

if( You.wangDamage() )
{
   while( true )
   {
      You.curse( FUCKER );   // there is no recovery from this
   }
}

if( You.shittyJob() )
{
   You.putOn( TIE, SLOPPY);
}

You.putOn( SOCKS_N_SHOES, QUICKLY );

You.skipBreakfast( SNAG_DONUT_AT_WORK );

// no time for coffee unless your pot made it for you
if( You.smart() )
{
   You.drinkCoffee( FROM_PROGRAMMED_COFFEE_MAKER );
   You.caffineBuzz( true );
   if( coffee.temperature() == COLD )
   {
      You.spit( LIKE_CHEAP_WHORE );
      You.curse( FUCKING_MACHINE );      
   }
}
else
{
   You.drinkCoffee( LATER_AT_WORK );
   You.caffineBuzz( false );
}

drivingType_e howAmIDriving = SHITTY;  // temporary value for compiler
if( You.caffineBuzz() )
{
   if( !You.veryLate() )
   {
      howAmIDriving = VERY_FAST;     
   }
   else
   {
      howAmIDriving = OUTTA_MY_WAY_FUCKERS;  // speed limit? What speed limit

   }
}
else // no caffine buzz
{
   howAmIDriving = ASLEEP_AT_THE_WHEEL;
}

You.drive( TO_WORK, howAmIDriving );

// the morning routine is now complete.

Ratings & Comments

The following ratings and comments have been submitted about this code:

Rating: Hilarious

This kicks the emu's ass!

By: Bump in the Night

Rating: Hilarious

Absolutely hilarious!

By: Taxi